Parents and friends and family of children, I have a few words of warning for you: Do not teach your children to keep secrets from spouses or people who are in charge of them.
A simple example would be: “Don’t tell dad I took you out for ice cream.” This is a very mild form of a double-bind. The child has two parents they want to obey and be loved by. The child didn’t ask for the secret (probably did want the ice cream). But the demand to keep the secret isn’t helping anyone.
Let’s take this double-bind problem further. Uncle tells your daughter, “don’t tell your mom I showed you this movie.”
“Don’t tell your parents we played a shirtless game.”
“Don’t tell your parents what we just did.” The secret is the gate the predator uses for the next abuse.
Double-binds have been issued with threat of life as well. Let that sink in. I’ve watched shows like Jimmy Kimmel run a gag on children for FUN with the same double-bind agenda. “Hey kid, I gave you $20, now DON’T tell your parents!” Somewhere, there is a “contract” between them and it GROOMS them for danger and trauma. A lot of adults think it’s funny. I call those people enablers. We want our children to be able to IDENTIFY a double-bind behavior quickly. This can be a life saving skill!
Now, I have recently been personally exposed to this behavior from another adult (not sexual in nature). The dilemma was significant. I knew what was right. But it would cost me dearly to address it. Double-bind. I didn’t ask for the secrets. The nature of it was disastrous to me or them with either outcome. My confidence was shook though I did the right thing. My integrity is now under attack which is a high priority to me. This comes from the double-bind. I do not believe this person intentionally set out to put me in a double-bind. I do wonder if they were traumatized by them as a child (which is the source of thought for this post).
I’ve watched friends over the years tell their kids to keep secrets from their spouses. It’s a dangerous strategy in the long run. I handle the subject in a different way. “I am not instructing you to lie to anyone. I encourage you to be truthful. What I also encourage you to do is use wisdom when and with whom you share information. What is the highest good?”
If going out for ice cream isn’t something I want my spouse to know… I shouldn’t do it and put my kids in that position. I tell my kids, if anyone asks them to keep a secret (other than things like gifts and surprises), they should be on red alert. The nature of a secret implies a demand on integrity. Integrity is violated if you spill the secret. Integrity is violated if you keep it. Double-bind.
Let me know below a situation you were put in a double-bind and how you handled it. The more we talk about it the better OTHERS can identify this destructive behavior!
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